The Curse of Dr 666
by Maia Webmistress
Summary: Take two crazy webmistresses, the cast of the FF games, and one crazy little black mage devil doctor with a supply of morphine and mix them together Recipe for major funny insanity! Disclaimer: We don't own Final Fantasy
1. The Quest

Title: The Curse of Dr. 666   
Person who Typed it up: Lee   
Authors: Maia and Lee   
Rating: PG 13   
Description: Remember our crazy little devil doctor in Miracle Medicine? Well, he's back, and he's come to wreak havoc on all of our FF heroes.... MWAHA! 

"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, had a very shiny nose! And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows-"   
"Like a drunken barfly's!"   
"Zidane!"   
"All of the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names, they never let poor Rudolph, join in any reindeer games! Then one foggy Christmas eve, Santa came to say, 'Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?' Then how the reindeer loved him and they shouted out with glee-"   
"Yippe-yi-yay whoo hoo!"   
"Zell!"   
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, you'll go down in history!"   
Everybody was having a great time at the castle of Maia and Lee. Singing, happiness and general merriment were the only things present... plus a lot of junk food and booze, for Mikoto mainly. The Christmas party was in full swing.   
Zidane was hunting for his Christmas cards down his pants, when he found something out of the ordinary. It was a little black book. He shrugged and put it in his pocket for further reference.   
"Hey, Zidane, what-cha got there?!" Lee called, ever the curious one, waving her hand and running over to him. Zidane pulled the little book out of his pocket and handed it to Lee. She flipped it open and gasped. A mischievous look crossed her face and she ran from the room. Everyone stared after her. Moments later, she reappeared with a raggy suit and a disguise that made her look like an old woman, one of those prophecy women.   
"Destruction! I foresee death, pain, destruction, blood.... morphine..... scalpels! And terror! Lots of terror.... Yes, lots of that!" She pulled the disguise off and began to run around the room, waving her arms around. "Terror! Help! The Curse is upon us! Scream, people! Horror! C'mon! I know you can scream for me!" Then, in a threatening voice, "Scream....."   
All the guests at the party began to run in circles like chickens with their heads cut off. Lee smiled smugly and mischievously and joined in the crowds. Maia closed her eyes half-way in exasperation and yanked the book from Zidane as he passed, screaming. Scanning the first page, she sighed in anger and started to shove her way through the crowds, not caring that she elbowed people or stepped on their feet, which only added to the confusion. Grabbing Locke, who had begun to hyperventilate, by the collar, she shoved some sedatives down his throat. He sat down and was run over by a couple of people, which knocked him out.   
"There. That's take care of him for a couple of hours." Ramming through more of the crowds, Maia happily knocked out Rinoa, Amarant, Eiko, Yuffie, Quistis and Vincent on her way. She finally found Lee. Taking out her large anime mallet, she whapped Lee over the head.   
"........ Down I go....." Lee murmured and collapsed to the floor. As she collapsed, seeing as how she was the one who had begun the confusion, everything stopped and the people still standing were milling about as if nothing had happened. Zell looked as though he was going to be sick.   
"Note to self: Never run after eating so... many.... hot dogs." He groaned in pain, holding his stomach. Maia, with a disgusted look on her face, handed him a paper bag and pushed him over to a corner. Then, she took Lee by the feet and dragged her from the room. Maia looked at the cupboard under the stairs, and then up the stairs, which had a room with a closet. Deciding which one would be more suitable to stuff Lee in, she decided on the one up the stairs.   
Thud. "Ow." Thud. "Ow." Thud. "Ow."   
Maia grinned and laughed slightly. "Heh, heh, heh...." Lee yelped again and Maia turned her head slightly to see her. "Shut up. It's carpeted."   
Reaching the top of the stairs, she dragged Lee into the room and shoved her into a closet, locking her in the closet and propping a chair under the handle to secure the door.   
Grinning, Maia went back downstairs. She saw that the people were having a second party (albeit Zell, who was.... doing something... into the bag... >.), drinking and eating and talking. She picked up the book, reading through it for a moment. Sighing, she turned to Zidane and Dagger.   
"Go. Kill Doctor. Morphine. Bad medicine. Terror, as my crazy friend said. I need to go."   
"Go where?" Zidane asked. Maia smiled.   
"Gotta go and spend Christmas with my family. Duh." She picked up her laptop and pressed the Escape button. She disappeared.   
"Hey, what about your crazy friend?!" Dagger asked, but Maia was gone... Only for the holidays, though. Meh.   
Anyways, our heroic couple (Zidane and Dagger), sat in the room, not knowing quite what to do. Suddenly, a group of men in business suits ran out and shoved some forms under their noses.   
"Hey! Hey! What's all this?!" Zidane cried as one of the men tried to get Zidane's hand to write his name.   
"Oh, it just makes you the legal heroes of this story. It's all in the liability, folks." Dagger and Zidane sweatdropped and signed the forms. The business men left.   
"Alrighty, then.... Now what?" They sat there some more, wondering how they were going to follow Maia's 'instructions'.   
"Well... She said something about a Doctor and morphine. Hmm....." Dagger told her husband. Zidane glanced around the room and, spotting Dr. Kadowaki, he leaped up, tackled her and pinned her to the floor, one of his hands groping for a sharp object.   
"I got the doctor! Let's kill it! You think you can morphine us, lady?!"   
Quistis, Rinoa and Squall threw Zidane off and helped Dr. Kadowaki up.   
"Hey, Zidane! Don't attack our doctor! She keeps Balamb healthy!" They all left, turning their noses up indignantly.   
"Rich snobs. Never should've invited them and all their money," Zidane murmured. He had an idea.   
"Hey! Dagger! What about that girl in the closet! She knows stuff! Let's see if she knows what's going on!" They raced for the stairs and bounded up them.   
As they went into the room, they heard Lee's voice from the closet.   
"Lemme outta here! I can call my lawyer! ....If I had one... ....Don't even get me started on that subject! Don't I even get a phone call? C'mon, lemme outta here! The food's probably getting cold and I think this black hole behind me is getting bigger and-!" The voice disappeared.   
Zidane and Dagger ran to the door and yanked it open, only to find that Lee was gone.   
"Where'd she go?" Zidane asked as Dagger shrugged. They stared at a large black hole in the back of the closet.   
"So that's where my shoes keep going..." Dagger muttered.   
"Well, we need to find her to find out what's going on... Let's get some supplies and some more party members, then we leave!" Zidane shouted heroically. They ran back down the stairs and into the large room with their party guests.   
"Hey! Listen up! Drinks are being served in the next room and we need two more party members for a quest!"   
All the guests moved into the next room, muttering things like, "Quest? Nuts to that, I want root beer." "I wonder if they have Pepsi?" "Pepsi? What are you talking about? Coke is the only way to go!" "Beer, beer, beer, beer...." No one mentioned anything about the quest.   
"Hey, people! C'mon! We need two more party members!" Someone threw a tomato at Zidane and it squished into his face. "OK, I take that as a maybe?" he asked hopefully. He stared as they passed them. Only two stayed behind. One was wearing a thong skirt and the other was wearing a black trench coat. They both had long silver hair.   
"Kuja?! Sephiroth?!" Zidane and Dagger cried in bewilderment. Both the villains glared at them.   
"We're going to come, but not to help you," Kuja remarked, straightening his hair and rubbing at the eye shadow, prissily. Zidane sweatdropped.   
"Yeah, we're doing it because we have a grudge against the doctor. And... We have to save Lee!" Sephiroth told them as he took out his Masamune and swished the air with it a couple times. He cut off the tip of one of Kuja's feathers. Kuja gasped.   
"How DARE you?!" he shrieked, turning red in the face. He stomped one of his feet and clenched his fists. Then he began to mourn the loss of the feather tip like it had been a friend. Zidane and Dagger both sweatdropped.   
"Well, come on then. We have to get it on. We have to save us all!" Zidane cried heroically. Kuja and Sephiroth gave a "Hmph" and Dagger hung onto Zidane's arm.   
"Let's go!"   
"And fast," the two villains muttered, following the two young people out the door.   
As they left, Maia returned. Locke and Cloud fluttered around her.   
"G-Get... Get OFF!" She looked around for the 'heroes' of this story. "Where'd they go?" 

------------------------ 

Zidane, Dagger, Sephiroth and Kuja were purchasing items at an item shop, Zidane and Dagger buying useful things, Sephiroth and Kuja buying destructive things.   
"Teehee... I love causing trouble!" Kuja giggled, picking up a summoner's crystal. "Mwahahaha... Death and destruction from a Bahamut.... Keeheehee..."   
Sephiroth picked up a double bladed light sabre. Then he sweatdropped and threw it back at the weapon seller. "Yuck! No way!" He picked up a katana twice the length of his Masamune. "Sweet. Longer reach. Hahahaha....."   
They bought their weapons and rejoined the young couple, who had purchased many items. Zidane dropped everything into his pants. He looked up and saw Sephiroth and Kuja staring in disgust.   
"What? Where'd you think I kept everything?"   
They both shuddered and vowed not to use potions in their own way. Kuja tied a little string around his finger and Sephiroth muttered, "Note to self: Use no potions."   
Then, they purchased food. Sitting down in the food court, they bought some fantasy fries, a chocoboburger and a Coke each (Coke is universal...^_^). Sephiroth ate his whole-heartedly, while Kuja picked at his, muttering about unwanted calories. Dagger ate hers sloppily, then wiped her mouth daintily on a napkin before digging in once again. Zidane ate like a normal guy, piggish and with no manners whatsoever (Author's Note: As you can tell, we are women... ^_^).   
Then, they left McDonald's (that's universal as well... ^_^). Traveling outside the castle of Maia and Lee, they did little things with their stuff, being kind of bored. Zidane flapped his hands and made plane sounds, Dagger hummed the tune of Madain Sari, Kuja joined her until she glared at him, then he began to hum his theme song. Sephiroth twirled his Masamune, making light-sabre sounds, trying to figure out a cool new Limit Break. Kuja turned to him.   
"What's with you and light-sabres?"   
Sephiroth answered slowly, with a glare, "Absolutely nothing...."   
Kuja sweatdropped. "Okay!" He gave a thumbs up and stopped talking.   
They walked and walked and walked and walked, then they walked some more and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked.... you get the idea.... ^_^ 

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Meanwhile, back at Maia and Lee's castle.....   
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Maia shoved some more sedatives down Locke's throat, sighing as he passed out. Then, she turned to Cloud, handing him a piece of paper.   
"Okay, this is how many sedative doses you give Locke each day. Got it? Can you do this, Cloud?"   
He stared at her and sighed. "Absolutely. I am at your command...." His eyes glazed over and his mouth hung open. Yuffie, in a business suit, passed by and waved a hand in front of his face.   
"You look like you've lost major money!" She shoved a brochure into his pocket. "Try 1800-saveyergil and save big gils!" She gave him a thumbs up and left. Maia backed away from Cloud.   
"I'm going to.... go... now...." She quickly pressed her Escape button and disappeared. Cloud moaned and leaned against the wall, a glazed and sad look on his face. Mikoto passed Cloud. Eyeing him, she shook her head.   
"Somebody looks sad... You need booze!" She flicked a load of gil adding up to 200 at him and left. Cloud took the money and shoved it into his pockets.   
"Score! Free gil!"   
Locke came to for a moment, mumbling, "Actually, if you need booze, she keeps it in her cupboards, I think..." He passed out again. 

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Maia: *snickers* five reviews for chapt. two!! 


	2. Enter the Webmistress

  
Maia: OK. C'mon, laugh for me people!! LAUGH!! Laughing is good for you. Smile at the very least, that's good for you too. ^__^ See, lookit me smile. ~_^ I'm so nice, giving this to you after only 3 reviews when I said I'm waiting for 5... Oh well.   


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Back to our walking people...   
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...... and they walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and... wait, didn't we already do this? Oh well.... And walked and walked and walked and walked and... okay, my hands are getting tired...   
Anyways, Sephiroth was still making light-sabre sounds, Dagger was still singing, Zidane had moved onto bird noises and Kuja was examining a feather he had pulled from his hair.   
"Poor Number Seven. I wish you didn't have to leave me," Kuja murmured to the purple feather and dropped it on the ground. He stopped and waved to it before continuing with the others.   
Then, Zidane saw something amazing.   
"Hey, what the hell's that? Gasp! A castle!"   
"Let's go!" Dagger shouted.   
"And fast," the two villains muttered in unison. They all began to run in the direction of the castle. They entered the gates, because they were open. Skidding to a halt, they realized that they were standing in McDonald's. Zell passed them.   
"Hey guys! Back so soon?"   
The Librarian Girl With the Funny Pigtails That Zell's in Love With yelled to Zell, "Don't you dare buy any hotdogs!"   
"Aww... But I want hotdogs!"   
"No, damnit, Zell! Do you want to have to get yet another stomach pumping?!"   
"For hotdogs, it's worth it!"   
Zidane, Dagger, Kuja and Sephiroth stared in amazement.   
"How did we end up back here?" Sephiroth asked.   
"We walked in a straight line, for goodness sakes!" Kuja shrieked. "All that walking for nothing!?"   
Maia reappeared with a little special effects smoke.   
"Hey guys. Back so soon? Where's Lee? Is she down your pants Zidane?"   
Zidane coughed and shuddered. "Shiva, no! What makes you say that!? Don't answer!" he said as she opened her mouth. "I don't want an answer!"   
"Okay, then... Well, I guess I should tell you why you ended up back here. You see, in our little universe, it's basically an endless loop. Go East and you'll end up back here, but from West. Go South and you end up North and vice versa. Our world is round, after all!" she said in a Martha Stewart kind of voice.   
They all stared at her for a moment. Then, Kuja turned on Zidane.   
"This was all your fault! You were the one leading us! I broke a sweat! I oughta-!" He broke off and lunged at Zidane, wrapping his hands around the monkey boy's neck. He began to shake him back and forth, strangling him. Sephiroth intercepted.   
"Kuja! No! Your hands are too weak!" He shoved Kuja aside and began to strangle Zidane himself, shaking him back and forth by the neck. Kuja jumped back up and took a hold of Zidane's neck as well, trying to lend any of his strength in killing Zidane. Dagger grabbed one of their arms each and shrieked about not killing her husband. A newsreporter passed by.   
"And here they are folks. The heroes of our story! Let's take a look at them and their happy journey." The camera was turned to the four, who were still trying to maul each other in one way or another. When they realized that the camera was on them, they all grinned and hugged each other, though the two silver-haired guys felt sick because of it.   
"Are you happy on your journey, Zidane, Dagger and... theeee other two?"   
"Well, yes, considering that I'm only one of the 'other two'" Sephiroth remarked, still grinning and hugging Dagger. Zidane and Kuja were left to hug each other and they didn't like that one little bit.   
First, Zidane poked Kuja, who kept smiling. Kuja poked him back. They kept smiling, though now it was strained, and they seemed to be blinking a lot. Zidane tripped Kuja, who stumbled a little, purposefully knocking into Zidane. Then, Zidane flicked Kuja in the forehead. This really made Kuja mad and he snarled and stomped one of his feet.   
"Did you just FLICK me?" he gasped, glaring. Zidane glared back.   
"Maybe I did and maybe I didn't!"   
"I think you did!" Kuja leapt at Zidane and wrestled him to the floor and started to beat on him, kicking and biting him. He also scratched him with his pretty nails... ^_^ which he then broke one of... ~_~   
"You made me break a nail!" Kuja shrieked. He started to punch as well.   
They were having an all out fist fight... right on live TV... the reporter and the camera crew all stood, staring, their mouths hanging open. Turning back to the camera, the reporter chuckled nervously.   
"Well, there you have it.... Our... happy... heroes..." He started to draw a finger across his neck. "Cut the camera! Cut the camera! Dammit, I said cut it!" he hissed, drawing his finger over his neck several times.   
"Hey! Don't you see the sign on the gate?! It says 'No Reporters in This Universe'!" Maia yelled. She pointed a ray-gun looking thing at them. "Out! Don't make me use the Deleter!"   
The camera guys and the reporter looked at each other for a moment before racing off, dropping their cameras and electronic equipment. Maia grinned.   
"Yes! Now me and Lee can do an actual movie of our fics!" She pressed a couple keys on her laptop and the stuff disappeared. "Score." Turning back to the four "heroes", she frowned.   
"Okay, I think this is a special case. I'm going to bend the rules a bit."   
"What rules?" Dagger asked. Maia grinned.   
"I'm comin' with ya!" She grinned. "I'm special. Oh, wait, I need some... 'stuff'. Destructive stuff..."   
Sephiroth and Kuja both perked up. "Destructive stuff? Did we hear correctly? This is one cool girl! Tell us more..." They sidled up to her and stood on either side of her, slinging arms around her shoulders. Cloud appeared out of nowhere and wailed at the top of his lungs.   
"Hey! Stop trying to make a move on my girl!"   
Sephiroth and Kuja glared at him. "We are doing no such thing. It's just that there's a... destructive thing about her and it intrigues us. She has weapons of unimaginable power, I'm sure.... Right?" Sephiroth glanced down at Maia, who shook her head with a grin. "Okay, well, she's cool!"   
Cloud hung his head in defeat and walked off. Maia shrugged.   
"Meh."   
"Meh indeed," both the villains muttered with her. Taking their arms from around her shoulders, they smiled. "Tell us more of the 'destructive' things you mentioned."   
"Just a sec, I'll be back." She disappeared. They stared at the spot where she had vanished, without realizing that she had pushed some weird code, then Enter on her keyboard. She reappeared.   
"Okay, I'm back." She was wearing different, cooler clothes. She basically wore Trunks clothes. (DBZ watchers, you know what I'm talking about... If you don't know, look at our Gallery. He's the one with purple hair...) She had a ninja headband and carried a samurai sword.   
"Okay, checklist time. Sword, check." She rolled up her sleeves and they saw a dagger on each wrist. "Daggers, check. Cool Trunks clothes, check. Okay, I'm so ready to go!" She smiled and started to walk back to her castle. "C'mon, let's go!" 

------------------------- 

A shadow darkened the wall in the flickering light. The shadow was of a figure. He began to laugh, his head thrown back.   
"Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" The lights turned back on and the shadow disappeared, leaving the tiny form of a Black Mage in a doctor coat.   
"I'm the evil, villainous Dr. 666!" he shouted, trying to look impressive. A Terraian nurse bashed into him.   
"Oh, sorry, Doctor. I didn't see you! You're so small and unimpressive and...." she trailed off and left him. He glared.   
"I'm not small!" he yelled, stomping his foot.   
All the nurses looked up and chorused, "Hail the almighty tiny doctor!"   
Dr. 666 sweatdropped and then glared at them all. "Begone!" he screeched, racing at them and hissing. He pulled out a needle of morphine and a scalpel. "Begone or I'll open you all up after drugging you horribly!"   
The nurses all shrieked and fled the room. One remained.   
"Ah, my new nurse. Come here."   
You can guess who it was, can't you? Lee stood beside Dr. 666 and said in a monotonous tone, "Yes, master, I am at your service." It seemed she had been brainwashed. Then she smiled, winked and made a peace-sign with her fingers. "Yeeha! I get to morphine people! Tell me this isn't so totally awesome! Peace-out man!"   
"Shut up," Dr. 666 muttered and pulled out a scalpel. "Shut up or I see what you ate yesterday." He made stabbing motions with the scalpel. Lee glared at him.   
"And how are you going to do that, O almighty tiny doctor? I think I could beat your ass if I felt like it. I'm only here 'cause morphine is cool!"   
"So you may think, but you don't know that I brainwashed you."   
"You didn't brainwash me! What the hell are you talking about? I came through the closet, you tried to morphine me, I got pissed and shoved the needle into your own arm and gave you a shot, then you told everybody that you had over-powered me and brought me to be your new nurse."   
"Okay, so maybe that's the real story but... Ah, shut up."   
"Make me, puny doctor! I'll talk if I damn well want to!"   
"C'mere! I'll morphine you so much you won't even be able to talk! Or laugh at me!" He chased her around the room before she stopped, clotheslined him, relieved him of his needle and placed it at his arm.   
"I'll do it. I swear, I will."   
"Fine, you win this round." He got up.   
"Just remember, I'm one of the almighty and powerful webmistresses! I'm only here 'cause I want to be. Besides, what's a story without a little double-dealing traitor?"   
"Fine."   
She stuck her tongue out at him and left to go and lurk in the shadows and morphine passing pedestrians of the little Dr. 666 universe. 

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"Ooh. Where'd you get the clothes?" Kuja asked, obviously interested in Maia's clothes. She smiled at him.   
"From a friend of mine in the DBZ world," she answered. Kuja nodded and took a little thread from the edge of one of his sleeves and tied it around his finger. He now had two on his left index finger, which was beginning to lose circulation and was going Kuja's favorite color.   
"But I daren't take them off, lest I lose my thoughts," Kuja muttered sadly, staring at his rapidly purple-turning finger.   
"Don't you pay more attention to your feathers than to your fingers?" Maia asked. Kuja nodded.   
"But this is a special case."   
"Okie dokie." She looked around. "Where's Locke? I gotta take care of things before we leave..." She pressed some more buttons on her computer and hit Enter and a pretty carry-bag appeared. "Here, we can carry stuff in this, like potions and things like that."   
"But, what about the stuff in MY inventory?" Zidane protested.   
"I don't think most people will want to use your stuff, Zidane.... Besides, I can carry my computer in it," Maia told him. Zidane shrugged and grabbed the bag, shoving it down his pants. Maia cried out.   
"No! What are you doing! Gimme that!" She slapped him and pulled his pants away from his skin and shoved her hand down, yanking out her bag. She dropped the bag and grabbed her computer. Tapping in some buttons and Enter, a little bottle appeared. She dumped the contents on her hand.   
"What's that?" Dagger asked. Maia shuddered.   
"Holy Water, to cleanse my hand." As the water rushed towards the drain, little ghosts flew from the water and wailed for a moment before disappearing. Maia blinked at them.   
"Meh. I guess that's what Holy Water does." She jumped back up and ran into her castle, where Locke was waiting. She handed a large bag to Terra, who was sitting with Locke.   
"Here! Give those to him every eight hours! If you miss one, he might murder you all in your beds." She thought for a moment before dropping another bottle in Terra's hand. "If he starts to show increased insanity or hyperventilation, give him ONE of these. The sedatives will knock him out."   
Locke looked slightly insulted. "Meh. I'm not THAT crazy."   
"Whatever." Maia turned from them and waved. "Bye, everybody. Have fun!"   
Cloud was sitting in an armchair, thoroughly depressed. He sniffed and watched her leave. "Aw, man. She's leaving again. It's not fair!!!!!!" he wailed.   
Mikoto passed him again and saw him crying. "Woah! You need booze!" She gave him more gil and left.   
Maia popped back in. "Bye, Cloudy! See you when we get back!" Then she left for good.   
A dumb grin crept up on Cloud's face. "She smiled at me! ME!" He went into hysterics. Terra, without a second thought, shoved a sedative down his throat. He lapsed into unconsciousness. 

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Maia led the four "heroes" (*cough*HAHAHA*cough* ^_~) upstairs to the closet of Lee's room.   
"Okay. This closet leads to the Final Fantasy 7 world, because that's Lee's favorite. Anyways, we'll start the search there." She flung open the door and stepped in. There was a flash and she disappeared. The others followed, Zidane saying, "Cool!" as he disappeared.   
They ended up in the Final Fantasy 7 realm, as Maia had said. And not just anywhere. Right in Sephiroth's house. Maia rolled her eyes.   
"She must have rehooked it. I had it going to Nibelheim."   
Sephiroth crossed over the room to his fridge and opened the door. Looking in, he saw the stuff in it. "Hey! This is my house!"   
"No, really?" Kuja remarked sarcastically. Sephiroth glared at him and Kuja came to stand beside Sephiroth and peer into the fridge. There was a carton of milk and a jar of peanut butter and a lot of cobwebs.   
"Is that all? Milk and peanut butter?" Kuja asked. Sephiroth turned to him with a look of confusion.   
"I have peanut butter?"   
Kuja, rolling his eyes, reached in and picked up the jar. "Yeah. You do."   
"Nice!" He took the jar and grabbed a piece of bread from his bread box and began to put peanut butter on it. He was whistling happily. "I never get a chance to go shopping. Mother insists on doing the shopping and all she ever buys is motor oil and stuff for her mechanical parts."   
Kuja sweatdropped. "I see. Don't you get hungry?"   
"No. Lee brings me normal food. I think that's why she rehooked her portal thingy."   
Maia sighed. "Then she should have put it in the kitchen closet at our place. Then she wouldn't have to smuggle food past me to her room. I'm gonna reroute it to the kitchen closet." She typed some things onto her computer. "Let's see, rerouting. Ah, she put the Nibelheim portal in the kitchen closet. How oddly clever for her. Never mind, she always does this. Once, she put the portal from Balamb Garden in the kitchen sink and people were forever appearing in the sink, wet and confused. Then, once, she deleted the toilet and we couldn't get in because neither of us had no idea what she had done. I finally remade the toilet, which was extremely boring. Do you know how long it takes to get the darn thing working?" She pressed Enter on her computer. "There. Sephiroth, whenever you need a snack, go into your closet and you'll end up in our pantry. Good enough for you?"   
"And how!"   
She smiled. "Good." Repacking her computer, which Zidane eyed, she glared at him then placed the computer case in her carrysack. "No way, Zidane. Not again. I'm running out of Holy Water. There's only so much of it in your world." Thoughtfully, she added, "If we run out here, I'll have to import it from somewhere else. Ooh, the Castlevania world's gotta have a lot! But then, it's so far away, it's gonna cost lots of money. Meh, I'll just scam them on the internet. Heh." She entered Sephiroth's room again. "C'mon guys. We need to go back for a moment."   
They entered the closet and reappeared in the kitchen closet in Maia and Lee's castle. Then, they went back upstairs and into Lee's room.   
"Okay. Now we are going to Nibelheim. Then, we're off on the search!"   
They stepped back into the closet. 

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Maia: I love the next chapter. Heheheheh... R&R!! Laughing is good medicine!! ^-^   
  
  
  



	3. The Pacman Maze

  
Maia: I love this chapter. Pacman rules!!! 

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Appearing in Nibelheim, they stood next to the fountain. Zidane and Dagger looked around.   
"Wow. Never been here before. Seems poor or something," Zidane remarked. Kuja nodded and ran his hand through the water.   
"The water's colder here!" Looking at the snow-topped mountains, he said, "Oh, okay, I get it."   
Sephiroth spread his arms. "Welcome to Nibelheim! The place where I went as crazy as a loon and then killed a bunch of people before Cloud, that accursed little devil, killed me!" He smiled with a strain, his right eye twitching angrily.   
Maia sighed. "You didn't really die. It was only a game."   
"Oh really?" Sephiroth asked. He looked down at himself and saw that he wasn't dead. "Oh. Okay. I guess you're right."   
"Of course I'm right." She patted his arm. "Besides, Cloud didn't mean it, even in the game."   
Sephiroth glared at her. "Ooh. You're one of THEM, aren't you? The ones who play the game as him and try to hurt me! Well let me tell you, he's not as good as he thinks he is! He's got problems, lady! Major problems!"   
Maia ignored him and began to walk. "C'mon, guys."   
"Where to?" Dagger asked, following Maia. She smiled at her.   
Maia smiled back. "I don't know. Anywhere, really. Somewhere where we might find clues on Dr. 666."   
"Let's go to the Shinra Mansion!" Sephiroth exclaimed. Everyone glanced uneasily at him. He grinned.   
"What?"   
"Is that a good idea?" Zidane asked nervously. Sephiroth nodded.   
"What are you getting at?" he asked.   
"Well.... Didn't you go... kind of... crazy... in that mansion?" Kuja asked, moving away slowly.   
"Yes. And your point being?"   
"None! Let's get going!" Maia told them, running towards the mansion. "Well, c'mon! If we're gonna find anything, this place is a good place to start!"   
"Easy enough for her," Kuja muttered. "She can disappear if things get ugly. With pretty lights and puffs of smoke!"   
"I heard that!" Maia yelled back. "I know how to fight! I ain't leaving if things get rough!"   
They all entered the mansion. 

------------------------ 

Cloud appeared at the square in Nibelheim. He had guessed correctly that they had gone to Nibelheim. He stood there for a moment, glancing around for Maia. When he didn't see her, he ran to the nearest person. Taking him by the throat, he shook him back and forth.   
"Have you seen a vivid, absolutely gorgeous young lady pass through here?!"   
The kid gasped out," We have a lot of pretty women in our town!"   
"But this one! She's the most beautiful thing on two legs! She's wearing a Trunks jacket, a headband thingy and she carries around a sword!"   
"Trunks? I don't know what the hell you're talking about! Lots of girls wear headbands here. And a sword! She sounds dangerous! I should report her!"   
"Report her and I kill you! Ah, beautiful and deadly. So wonderful..." Hearts appeared in his eyes and he let the kid go. "Carry on..." he mumbled, stumbling away in a daze. 

Maia's Note: I'm glad that he's so... devoted to me.... but does he have to follow me around? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he's devoted to me! It's nice to know that someone's devoted to me, but I think he's going a little overboard here... 

Cloud, not noticing where he was going, ran into a pole. 

Maia's Note: Didn't I tell you? Aww... Poor Cloudy... 

"Lousy pole... Who put that there?" Cloud mumbled angrily, rubbing his nose as it throbbed in pain. He stood back up and began to walk again.   
"Now, where would she go? Hmm....." He looked up and saw the mansion.   
"Gasp! She's always out for an adventure! I'm sure she's in there!" He made off for the mansion. 

------------------------ 

Entering the mansion, the five "heroes" looked around at the entrance room.   
Maia shrugged. "Well, let's go. How 'bout through that door?" They agreed and entered. As they closed the door, it disappeared behind them. "Uh oh, maybe it was the wrong room."   
Staring around them, they saw that they were in a giant vertical maze.   
"Umm...?" Sephiroth and Kuja asked. A yellow circle came up to them.   
"I am General Pacman! Help me to defeat the Pacman Ghosts That the Authors Forgot the Names of! They have taken over my maze!"   
All the heroes sweatdropped. "What?"   
"Help me to return my maze to it's rightful color! Rrrred!" They glanced around and saw that the maze was blue.   
"Do we have to?" Zidane asked. Pacman nodded.   
"What do we have to do?" Dagger asked.   
"Collect the dots!" They all glanced around and saw that the maze was now filled with dots.   
"Okaaaayyyy...." Maia muttered. "Sure, I guess we'll help you..."   
"Okay! Go now, and be swift and sure! Run into trouble and the Cookie Captains shall help you!" He disappeared with a pop. They all stared at the spot where he had been.   
"Why are we suddenly in a Pacman game?" Kuja asked, grabbing a dot from the air and examining it. It disappeared.   
"No idea," Maia answered. "Well, let's get this over with." She grabbed a dot and it vanished in her hand. They all started to grab dots from the air.   
Then, the Pacman Ghosts That the Authors Forgot the Names of came and began to float towards them. *gasp and horror ^_^* Then, Pacman appeared.   
"Oh my God! The Pacman Ghosts That the Authors Forgot the Names of!" he shouted. "C'mon, we have to find the Cookie Captains!" He bit the air and floated away, making funny "wakka, wakka, wakka" sounds. They all looked at each other for a moment, shrugged and followed.   
They ran around a couple corners and found Pacman talking to a large chocolate chip cookie. He wore a little captain's hat.   
"I am one of the four Cookie Captains!" he shouted in a military fashion. "I hear that you need my help to fend off the Pacman Ghosts That the Authors Forgot the Names of!"   
Suddenly, one of the Pacman Ghosts That the Authors Forgot the Names of leaped down from above, an evil look on it's face, it's teeth bared. They all gasped as it stopped in front of Pacman. Then, it poked Pacman, who shriveled up *insert Pacman shriveling sound here* and disappeared. A Ms Pacman suddenly appeared and screamed in a shrill voice, "Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!"   
The Cookie Captain glanced at the heroes, then at the screaming Ms Pacman. Zidane looked at the Pacman Ghost That the Authors Forgot the Name of, which was smiling evilly, and glared.   
"Cookie Captain, tend to the widowed Ms Pacman. Guys, let's kill it." He leaped forward, drawing his dagger. Suddenly, the air went a little dark and the top of the maze, to the bottom, began to bleed/melt. (It's from Legend of Dragoon)   
"Gah! What's this?" Sephiroth asked as his head kind of melted away from his body, then the rest of him followed.   
"Battle transition, duh," Zidane remarked as his feet finished melting away. They reappeared in a black void and at their feet, little timed bars appeared.   
"What the.....?" Dagger asked. Maia shrugged and they all watched the timed bars until Maia's filled up.   
"Yay. I get to attack first. Yeeha." She dashed at the Pacman Ghost That the Authors Forgot the Name of and slashed at it with her sword. A little "9" flashed above it's head. Maia went back to the line of her companions and she twitched with anger.   
"Nine? Nine?! I just _slashed_ him and all I do is NINE?!" she screeched, stamping her foot, an angry anime thingy appearing on her forehead. Zidane shrugged, a superior smile on his face.   
"What'd you expect? You're a chick."   
Maia glared in hatred at him and snarled before shutting up. Sephiroth's turn came and he dashed at the Pacman Ghost That the Authors Forgot the Name of and jumped into the air, bringing his Masamune down. A "45" appeared above it's head. As Sephiroth came back to the line, Maia punched him and a little "1" flashed over his head.   
"What?" he asked, slightly hurt, emotionally, that is.   
"Why do you do so much more damage than me?"   
"I'm not going to dignify that with an answer," Sephiroth replied sophisticatedly. She glared and watched as the Pacman Ghost That the Authors Forgot the Name of attacked Dagger. It sucked her in and ate her before spitting her out. She landed on the ground and then stood up, brushing herself off as a little "15" appeared over her head.   
"Didn't that hurt?" Kuja asked, slightly appalled.   
"No. Whatever are you talking about?"   
He shrugged. "Okay."   
Maia got to attack again (because she's so fast ^_^) and she hit the Pacman Ghost That the Authors Forgot the Name again. A little "9.5" appeared over it's head. Maia went back into the line.   
"What the hell? 9.5?! Is that even possible?!" She became really angry and the bar at her feet began to flash. She glared at the Pacman Ghost That the Authors Forgot the Name of. "Mwahahahahaha!" she laughed evilly, then she stopped and glanced at the Pacman Ghost That the Authors Forgot the Name of and said in a monotonous tone, "Limit Break. Booya." She dashed at the Pacman Ghost That the Authors Forgot the Name of, yelling, "Shadow Dance!" Striking out, she hit the Pacman Ghost That the Authors Forgot the Name multiple times, bursts of dark shadows flashing with the slashes. She came back as a "44" appeared over it's head. She twitched. Sephiroth began to laugh.   
"You suck!" he shouted with a laugh. He held up his left hand and made a backwards "L". "Loser! Loser! You did a Limit Break and it still only did 44, one less than me!" He broke off into fits of laughter. Maia glared angrily and punched him. A little "1" appeared over his head.   
"There! 45!!!!" she yelled. Sephiroth glared mockingly and attacked the Pacman Ghost That the Authors Forgot the Name of again and hit it for "50" damage. He stuck his tongue out at Maia, who glared.   
Zidane attacked for "40" damage with his dagger. Dagger attacked for "25" with a critical hit. (as you can tell, I'm trying to hurry this battle along... But it'll end with a bang... ^_^)   
Kuja summoned Bahamut, who came down and attacked with it's cool attack, blowing a large hole in the ground and causing an explosion. Sephiroth came out of the disappearance thingy too early and got blown up for "45" damage. He blew a puff of smoke out of his face.   
"Ouch."   
Maia came out of the disappearance thingy and smiled as the Pacman Ghost That the Authors Forgot the Name of died and the area returned to normal. She stuck her tongue out at Sephiroth, who was still slightly charred.   
"Don't you know how to stay in the disappearance thingy?" She smiled as he stared at her. She grinned. "To put it in simpler form..." She made an "L" with her hand. "Loser!!!!" She stopped and sat down. Maia looked around for her carry-bag. "Where is it? Where's my computer?" She glanced at Zidane. "Zidane.........?"   
"No! I don't have it!"   
"Oh, wait, here it is!" Her carry-bag appeared with a pop on her lap and she rummaged for her computer in it. When she found it, she set it on her lap. "Now to figure out what's wrong with me. My stats are just as high as Sephiroth, so I should be doing around the same amount of damage, but for some reason I'm not. Lesse...." She gasped. "What the hell?! My sword's wooden!?" She examined it. She flicked the blade and it went ping. "It's metal!"   
"Ah, yes, but you see," Zidane explained, "in most RPG games, even though the name and power of your weapon change, it's appearance doesn't."   
"Jeez, so that's what was wrong." She typed in a couple things. "There. Now I have a real sword!"   
Everybody nodded dumbly and turned to Sephiroth.   
"Shouldn't you take a potion, Sephiroth?" Kuja asked. Sephiroth nodded and held out his hand. Zidane began to reach down his pants and Sephiroth recoiled.   
"Wait a second.... Note to self.... What was it? ... Oh my god! Note to self: Use no potions!" He took back his hand as Maia came forward, holding out an "untainted" potion.   
"Here, take this one..." she muttered, shoving it into his hand. Under her breath, she mumbled, "Loser."   
He examined the potion that Maia had given him. "Nestea? What's that?"   
"Oh, it's just the bottle. Nestea is actually iced tea! Good stuff." She started to drink from a water bottle.   
"Where'd you get that?" Dagger asked.   
"Do you really wanna know?"   
"Yes. How much stuff do you have in that bag?!"   
"You don't wanna know..."   
"Yes, we do!" all of them shouted in unison. Maia shrugged and began to pull out things like paper, pencils, pens, notebooks, textbooks, potions and regular things. Then, she pulled out a desk lamp and all of the heroes looked at each other uneasily. She started to lug out a desk and they all held up their hands and started yelling, "No, wait! We don't wanna know!"   
Maia shrugged and blinked. "Meh. I was getting to the bottom anyway."   
"How big is that bag?" Dagger asked, awed.   
"As big as I want it to be," was the calm reply, as if it were a normal, everyday occurrence to be pulling out desks from small carry-bags.   
Suddenly, the Pacman Ghost That the Authors Forgot the Name of came back. The same one. It began to laugh. Zidane hit it over the head but it kept laughing.   
"Hahahahahaha! You can't kill me! I am immortal! And now I shall kill you and you shall become a part of the Lifestream and then I shall become a God!"   
Maia muttered to Dagger, "Sounds like Sephiroth on a bad day."   
"Hey! That's my line!" Sephiroth shouted indignantly, becoming very depressed because the Pacman Ghost That the Authors Forgot the Name of stole his line.   
"Oh, wait, wrong video game villain..." the Pacman Ghost That the Authors Forgot the Name of said, sweatdropping.   
Sephiroth got angry and stabbed the Pacman Ghost That the Authors Forgot the Name of, killing it again. It's eyes floated away and everybody calmed down. Seconds later, the Pacman Ghost That the Authors Forgot the Name of came back, laughing.   
"No matter how many times you kill me, I come back!"   
Zidane looked at everybody. "Okay, everyone, this is obviously above our heads. The only thing honorable that we can do is.... RUN!" He dashed off, leaving everybody in a daze for a moment, before they ran after him. They ran through the maze, racing off one side and coming out on the opposite side. They stopped for a moment, shrugged and continued running. Maia stopped for a moment.   
"Everybody! The only way we can get out of here is to collect the dots! Split up and grab those dots!" She dashed off one way, grabbing dots as she ran. They all ran off different ways, grabbing dots. Dagger was too short to grab any dots, so she went with Zidane. Sephiroth, because he was hungry, tried to eat them as he went, but they disappeared before he could swallow them.   
After a while, they had collected every dot except for one, which lay outside the Pacman Ghosts That the Authors Forgot the Names of lair. (That doesn't sound grammatically correct, does it? Oh well....) They all debated on who would go and get it, because the Pacman Ghosts That the Authors Forgot the Names of were guarding it. Maia sighed and decided that she would get it, but the others had to distract the Pacman Ghosts That the Authors Forgot the Names of. They all agreed and Sephiroth, being the bravest, ran off and started screaming at the Pacman Ghosts That the Authors Forgot the Names of, calling them names.   
"Hey! You... undead thingy! Try and get me!" He stuck out his tongue and waved with both of his hands, before dashing away. Zidane glared at one of the Pacman Ghosts That the Authors Forgot the Names of.   
"My ultimate defense," he whispered. Yanking down his pants, they saw that the inside of his pants were lined with potions and lots of items. Taking a potion in his hand, he threw it at the Pacman Ghost That the Authors Forgot the Name of. It howled and ran off, yelping.   
Kuja pulled out a little bottle from somewhere and unscrewed the cap, which had a little brush on it. He brandished it at one of the Pacman Ghosts That the Authors Forgot the Names of, which blinked.   
"What the hell is that, you stupid little girl?"   
Kuja glared. "I'm not a girl! And it's nail polish, thank you very much! I'll... polish you!" He began to chase the Pacman Ghost That the Authors Forgot the Name of, waving the brush, an evil grin on his face.   
"Come back here! I'll polish you purple!"   
The last Pacman Ghost That the Authors Forgot the Name of grinned when he saw short, slender Dagger as his opponent.   
"Heh heh heh... I get the easy one..." He moved towards her when suddenly she roared and leaped at the Pacman Ghost That the Authors Forgot the Name of, brandishing her dagger. She walloped it over the head and it fell to pieces and it's eyes floated away. She placed her hands on her hips and gave a very falsetto laugh.   
"That'll teach anyone to mess with girls!" (Note: Power to the women! Revolt! C'mon, girls! Let's take out the men! ^_^)   
Back to Maia, who was trying to sneak over to get the dot. The Pacman Ghosts That the Authors Forgot the Names of saw her and began to race towards her, screaming, "Stop her! Protect the Almighty Holy Dot!"   
Maia grabbed the dot and ran off, glancing behind her. The dot wasn't disappearing in her hands. "It's not disappearing! Why's it not disappearing?!"   
"Well obviously!" Zidane yelled at her. "We have to kill the boss first!"   
"This isn't Final Fantasy! We only have to get the dot! It's Pacman, not Final Fantasy!"   
"This IS Final Fantasy!" Dagger exclaimed. "We're in it and this is Shinra Mansion!"   
Maia started to scream. She ran and ran and ran and ran and ran and ran. Sephiroth jumped out of nowhere and fended them off with his Masamune. The Pacman Ghosts That the Authors Forgot the Names of recoiled in fear and Sephiroth made an "L" with his left hand.   
"Losers!"   
Maia sweatdropped. "Um... Sephiroth? If you do it with your LEFT hand, it's backwards to them! If it's forwards to you, it's backwards to them!" she shouted. Everybody looked at Sephiroth and sweatdropped.   
Sephiroth held up the "L" with his right hand and looked at it, then turned his hand and looked at it the other way. "Dude!"   
"*sigh* Just KILL them already!" Maia yelled, starting to run off as Sephiroth turned back to the Pacman Ghosts That the Authors Forgot the Names.   
"Time to die... again."   
"Hmm... time to tackle this logically," Dagger said, placing her head in her hands. Zidane gave her a funny look.   
"Logic? What is this logic you speak of so frequently?"   
"It's for people with brains, who know how to use their minds."   
"Minds? Brains? Mmm.... brains...."   
Dagger sweatdropped. "Nevermind. Anyway, have you noticed that, when you destroy the ghosts, their eyes are the only things that remain? Their eyes regenerate them! Hey, take out their eyes!" Dagger shouted at Sephiroth.   
"Okay!" Sephiroth brandished his Masamune and Kuja raced in, holding up a stick that he had got from somewhere. They nodded at each other and poked the eyes of one of the Pacman Ghosts That the Authors Forgot the Names of. It screamed and threw the sides of the bedsheets (Yes, I believe that's what they're made of) to it's eyes, screaming.   
"Nooooo!! The Eyes of Power! My one true weakness! How could you have found out?!" He melted with a *insert Pacman shriveling sound here* sound.   
Sephiroth and Kuja poked out the eyes of the remaining two Pacman Ghosts That the Authors Forgot the Names of, who started to scream about "Eyes of Power".   
Maia stopped, sighing in relief. Behind her, a large Pacman Ghost That the Authors Forgot the Name of crept up, opening it's mouth, preparing to eat her.   
"Yo! Watch your back!" Sephiroth shouted, dashing forward and slicing the Pacman Ghost That the Authors Forgot the Name of, destroying it. (He didn't have to kill it's eyes 'cause it's a special one) Sephiroth placed a hand to his heart.   
"Oh, man, I _do_ rock."   
Cloud appeared out of nowhere and began to cry.   
"Stop trying to make a move on my girl!" he wailed. Maia ran to Cloud and hugged him around the shoulders.   
"Aww... Poor Cloudy! Were you trying to save me? Thank you!"   
Cloud blushed and patted her awkwardly on the head. "Save you? Of-of course that's what I was doing! I wasn't stalking you! I was coming to your rescue, my damsel in distress!"   
Maia sweatdropped. "Whatever. Okay, let's find the last Cookie Captain."   
They began to walk through the maze, becoming seriously lost. Maia glared at the dot, considering impaling it on her sword.   
"This is all your fault," she hissed at the dot. "Don't you talk back to me! I- Ooh... Low, dot-boy. Seriously low."   
"Why are you talking to the dot?" Sephiroth asked. Maia glared at him.   
"Because it's talking to me!" she replied. She shoved the dot at Sephiroth, who heard it talking in a high voice.   
"Hey! What the? I don't wanna go back there! No! Don't make me go back to that hell hole! You'll never get me alive!"   
Sephiroth arched an eyebrow at it and handed it quickly back to Maia. She declined it and handed it to Dagger, who passed it to Zidane, who simply shoved it down his pants. All they could hear were muffled little cries. They ignored it.   
As they walked, Cloud, Kuja and Sephiroth were talking to each other about their hair.   
"Like, I get my hair done at this place called, like, Spikes 'R Us," Cloud told them, talking rather quickly, almost girlie, with a lot of "likes" in his sentences. Kuja and Sephiroth laughed.   
"Gosh golly gee! I've, like, heard of that place!" Kuja remarked. "But I get my hair done at, like, Silver Hairstylists and, like-"   
"Like, oh my God! So do I!" Sephiroth cried.   
Maia turned to Zidane and whispered, "Do guys talk about their hair like this?"   
Zidane shrugged. "I'm not sure anymore."   
Dagger pointed ahead of them. "Hey, look, it's the Cookie Captain!"   
They all ran to the Cookie Captain (who we made appear very quickly. We want this part over! The Pacman part takes up at least five pages! Ooh, five pages...^_^). Maia shoved her hand down Zidane's pants and grabbed the dot, pulling it out. She handed it to the Cookie Captain, who took it. As he did, the maze turned red.   
"Hur-rah," all the heroes remarked monotonously, glad that their task was done.   
"Let's leave! Please!" Zidane cried. 

------------------------------ 

Maia: Ah... Out of pure boredom, I decided to put this up... see ya in the next chapter...   
  



	4. We've watched too many cartoons and play...

  
Maia: NOOOO!!! Soon we must go back to ....school... *shudders* Laugh while you can!! 

--------------------- 

"Phew, we finally got out of that maze!" Kuja sighed. He turned to Sephiroth. "How'd we get out of there again?"   
Sephiroth shrugged.   
"The miracle of fanfiction," Maia remarked. "Besides, Lee's poor hands were getting tired of endlessly typing the.... One more time!" She shook a fist at the sky. They all heard a reluctant sigh. "...Pacman Ghosts That the Authors Forgot the Names of. She was getting tired of writing it over and over and over again."   
*Anyways, back to our main plot. We have to stop the plot from diverting, don't you think? .................... See, I did it again!   
Okay, ready? Go!*   
They came out of the Pacman maze and right into the underground library.   
"Hmm... That shouldn't be possible..." Maia muttered. She took out her computer and began to type things on it. Zidane leaned over.   
"Can you teach me how to use that?"   
"................................................................................................................................................................... Maybe."   
Sephiroth glanced around the library. He saw a book on a pedestal in the center of the room. A light shone on it and some weird music played from somewhere.   
"Ooh, look at that! A book!" He looked around for the source of a spotlight and saw that a book-shelf elf was sitting up on the top of one of the book-shelves, shining a spotlight on the pedestal. Sephiroth stared at it and arched an eyebrow. The elf shrugged.   
"What? I get paid to do this."   
"Okay!" Sephiroth gave the elf a thumbs up sign and ignored it, mostly because it had started chanting, "I am not here. I am the wall, I am the wall."   
Cloud glanced around the room, confused. "This whole place seems oddly familiar." He glared up at the elf. "Except for you! What the hell are you doing here?!"   
"I am not here. I am the wall, I am the wall," the book-shelf elf chanted.   
Sephiroth shrugged and picked up the book on the pedestal. He opened it to the first page and in big bold letters, it said: 

**SEPHIROTH, YOU MORON! YOU ARE MY FAILED EXPERIMENT! YOU WERE C-R-E-A-T-E-D!**   
** Signed, Professor Hojo**

Sephiroth scratched his head. "Hmm... What could that mean? It's so... unclear...."   
As he pondered these.... unsubtle.... words, behind him, Maia and Zidane were having a small... disagreement.   
"Okay, now, this is the On and Off button and-"   
"Sweet! Can I press it?!"   
"............... No."   
"Aww.... Nuts."   
And behind these two were Dagger and Kuja having another disagreement.   
"Can I sing the song of Madain Sari today?"   
"No way! I live there!"   
"..... I'll play you for it?"   
"You're on!"   
"Rock, paper, scissors............ Rock, paper, scissors................................... Rock, paper, scissors..................................................... Rock, paper, scissors!"   
"........ How 'bout we both sing it?"   
"Okay."   
And away from them, Cloud and the book-shelf elf were also having a disagreement.   
"Who paid you to go up there?"   
"I am the wall, I am the wall."   
"Stop saying that!"   
"I am the wall, I am the wall."   
"You are NOT a freakin' wall! Stoppit!"   
"Look, kid, I am the wall! If you can't accept that, I'll throw a couple books at you!"   
"You are the wall."   
Sephiroth gasped. "Gasp! I understand now! I have read between the lines and I now see clearly."   
Maia nodded, basically ignoring him.   
"You ignorant traitors. I'll tell you. The Planet originally belonged to the Cetra. Cetra was an itinerant race. They would migrate in, settle the Planet, then move on....... At the end of their harsh, hard journey, they would find the Promised Land and supreme happiness...... But those that disliked the journey appeared. Those who stopped their migrations built shelters and elected to lead an easier life. They took that which the Cetra and the Planet had made without giving back one whit in return! Those are your ancestors."   
"Considering that I don't come from this world, they are not my ancestors. As a matter of fact, neither do Zidane, Kuja or Dagger," Maia told him. Cloud didn't say a thing, he only looked protective of Maia, his "girl". Sephiroth appeared not to hear this and continued rambling.   
"Long ago, disaster struck this planet. Your ancestors escaped. They survived because they hid. The Planet was saved by sacrificing the Cetra. After that, your ancestors continued to increase. Now all that's left of the Cetra is in these reports."   
Maia nodded again. "Yuh huh." (Note: In Maia's head, all this talk pretty much turns to "Blah, blah, blah..." ^_^)   
"What does that have to do with you?" Cloud asked.   
"Cloud, quiet you. You'll only encourage him!" Maia whispered.   
"Don't you get it? An Ancient named Jenova was found in the geological stratum of two thousand years ago. The Jenova Project. The Jenova Project wanted to produce people with the powers of the Ancients... no, the Cetra........ I am the one that was produced."   
"Yuh huh."   
"Yes. Professor Gast, leader of the Jenova project and genius scientist, produced me."   
Maia stepped forward and took the book from him. Reading the first page, she looked up. "You got all this from 'Sephiroth, you moron! You are my failed experiment! You were c-r-e-a-t-e-d. Signed Professor Hojo'?" She shut the book and said in a dry, exasperated voice, "Okaaaaaayyyy....."   
"Out of my way! I'm going to go see my mother!" Sephiroth started forward.   
Maia drew out her sword. "Oh, no, you're not!"   
WHAM!   
She whapped him over the head with the flat of her blade.   
"....... Down I go......" Sephiroth muttered and fell to the ground.   
Maia looked up and glanced at all the shocked people around them. "Anyone wanna help me carry him? ....... Or at least drag him?"   
They all left the Shinra Mansion and went back up into Nibelheim. As they got up, some Nibelheimites (Would that be the plural name for them? Or maybe Nibelhiemiens or possibly Nibelheimers or perhaps Nibelheimees? Or mayhap Nibelheimishes? Maia tells me to shut up, so, I shall! ^_^;;) who had got word of Cloud's arrival, came and swarmed around them. A particularly busty girl, maybe Tifa's cousin, stood in front of him.   
"Cloud, like, oh my God! You are so totally back! Remember me?"   
Cloud stared at her for a moment, eyeing her as she jumped up and down. "I.. might... recall... you... a bit..."   
Another guy went up to Cloud and slapped him on the shoulder. "Oh, you look so much cooler now!"   
The girl who had been talking before began to talk again. "I have like, so totally settled down and made a family! I used to, like, party all night. And you know, I was, like, a whore like my cousin! But then I so totally found this perfectly cool guy and, like, settled down and now we have a, get this, a family!!! Do you wanna come and see the pictures of my baby! I think he was fathered by, like, four different men! I have about, like, four hundred photo albums of little baby Bud! His real name's baby Budwiser, after my, like, so totally favorite beer!" Not even waiting for an answer, she grabbed Cloud's arm and dragged him away.   
"Help! Help me! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   
Maia shrugged. "Meh. He should be okay. We'll come and rescue him later. Right now, Sephiroth needs a bit of medical attention."   
Maia typed some things on her computer, also trying to keep Zidane away from it as she typed, because he was constantly trying to press the Off button. She made a portal and they all jumped through it. 

----------------------   
Back to Dr. 666, 'cause he's so funny. ^_^   
---------------------- 

Dr. 666 was walking down a street, looking to morphine random people.   
Suddenly, he was in Balamb and he was humming his favorite tune.   
"Doo, doo, doo, da, doo, doo, doo, doo, da, doo...."   
Cid glanced out of his window, then turned on his PA. "_Ding Ding Ding_   
Whoever is singing the elevator music, shaddup! I'm watching my inadequate Sunday morning cartoons! That is all."   
Dr. 666 continued to hum, twirling his morphine needle like a gun. The PA came back on.   
"_Ding Ding Din–_ Alright, that's it! You've interrupted Dexter's Lab one too many times! I'm comin' down there!"   
"Ooh, a lab! I'll have to speak with this 'Dexter'. I wonder if he does morphine?"   
Everybody looked up as they heard the elevator coming down. They also heard footsteps, as though someone was running down some stairs. The elevator opened and Cid ran out. Apparently he was so eager to get out of the elevator, he had been running in the elevator. He ran out towards Dr. 666 and halted in front of him, gasping.   
"WhythehellareyousingingthatitdrivesmecrazyandIthrewaradiooutofthewindowbecauseofit!!!!!!!!"   
Dr. 666 looked confused. "Calm down and speak slower, please. I can't understand what nonsense you are speaking."   
"Whyth ehellarey ousingin gthati tdriv esmecraz yandI threwara diooutofth ewind owbec auseofi t!!!!!!!"   
"........ Slower....."   
"Why-the-hell-are-you-singing-that? It-drives-me-crazy-and-I-threw-a- radio-out-of-the-window-because-of-it!!!!!!!" Cid screamed a little slower.   
"Ohhhhhh! Okay, now I understand your problem. And I know what you need!" He plunged the needle into Cid's arm and gave him a shot of morphine. "You'll feel better tomorrow." As an after thought, he said, "And if you don't, call me." He walked away as Cid smiled dumbly and began to stumble around, laughing idiotically.   
Dr. 666 was walking when he remembered that there were no phones in his "Ultra Secret Lab". He looked up as there was thunder and lightning.   
"It's sunny. Meh. I'll just return to my 'Ultra Secret Lab'."   
More thunder and lightning.   
"How.... odd.... Meh...."   
He remembered Cid. "Oh well. He'll just end up with an awful headache."   


------------------------   
Back to Our Heroes   
------------------------ 

Our heroes returned to Maia and Lee's castle, dragging an unconscious Sephiroth. They trudged downstairs and found Locke sleeping peacefully and Terra standing guard over him, holding a bag, talking to Edgar at the same time. Edgar was taking a break from being king. 

-------------------   
Cut to Sabin for a moment....   
------------------- 

Sabin was slouched in the throne, looking extremely bored.   
"Oh my God! I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOO bored! Now I remember why I left!!!! No-good, lousy brother, taking a no-good, lousy break..."   
He glanced up. "What a moment! Somebody, somewhere, sometime, told me something was good about being a king. I think it came in song form....   
When kingship's got you down,   
Just don't mope and frown.   
Something, something,   
Then you'll see,   
You'll avoid catastrophe!"   
(Note: The tune for this little ditty is from the Simpsons. When their house is burning and Homer's trying to figure out what to do. Simpsons is a copyright of Matt Groening! ^_^)   
There was a pause as he pondered the words he had just sung.   
"Dangit!!!!" Sabin finally wailed. 

----------------------- 

Maia: Peace out. See ya in the next chapter.   



	5. Bitty buggies, battles, and problems

  
Maia: .....Too tired for notes. Just read. 

---------------------   
Cut Back to Heroes.........   
--------------------- 

Anyway, Edgar was being his usual... Edgarish self... and he was getting a little too close to Terra.   
"So.... Terra.... You doin' anything tonight? I can take you to a fancy, romantic, French restaurant. Anywhere on the planet, if you wish. I have the gil to do it."   
"Sorry. Can't. Guarding crazy man."   
Celes came up and patted Locke on the head. "Awww.... My poor Lockey. It's okay Terra, take a break."   
Terra waved her hands. "No, No! I'm okay! I'll stay right here, thank you!" she shouted with a sideways glance at Edgar, who was smiling winningly.   
"Well, okay... I guess...."   
Edgar sighed and turned to Celes, taking her by the hand. "So, my vivacious general... Fancy some French food?"   
Locke's eyes snapped open and he sat up. "Hey! Lay off my girl!" He fell asleep and fell back down. Edgar dropped Celes' hand, backed away and dashed from the room. 

Note: Notice how the guys are SO protective of their women in this fic? ^_^;; Hey, they're romantics.... Or... *shifty eyed glance* stalkers... possibly... *cough* *cough*Cloud*cough* 

Anyways, meanwhile, in another part of the castle (Well, actually, it was only the next room over. Shh!), they were standing around Sephiroth, who was coincidentally still knocked out, figuring out who would wake him. Zidane was nervously rubbing the back of his neck.   
"I don't wanna wake him up. He may try to strangle me again." He thought for a moment. "But then again, everyone tries, at least once in their life, to throttle me." He glanced sideways at Dagger.   
Dagger was twirling a strand of her hair around her index finger, then chewing on the tangle. Kuja poked her and frowned.   
"You shouldn't chew on your hair! It gives you horrendous split-ends!" He gave her a scolding look and returned his eyes to his fingers. He was absent-mindly picking at his nail polish. Dagger glared back at him.   
"You should only remove nail polish with nail polish remover! Otherwise, it ruins your nails." They both looked at Maia, who shrugged.   
"What? I don't carry cosmetics! I go for natural beauty!"   
Kuja grabbed her bag and began rummaging through it. A bag of cosmetics fell out. "Aha! What is this?!"   
Maia closed her eyes halfway in exasperation. "That's yours Kuja."   
"Oh! How 'bout that?" He tore open the bag and, sure enough, on one of the inside flaps, big bold letters spelled KUJA.   
Zidane finally came up with a solution.   
"I know! We all grab some long sticks and poke him with them!"   
Maia sighed. "Cloud loved to poke things. Should we go and rescue him before poking Sephiroth awake?"   
"No!" the others cried, eager to get to some good old-fashioned, unconscious guy poking. They ran downstairs and after a few minutes, Kuja, Zidane and Dagger came back up, armed with a long stick each. They gathered around Sephiroth, as far away from him as they could go, but still be able to poke him, and they started to jab him with their sticks.   
As they poked him, Sephiroth came slightly awake and made a distressed little moan as he tried to swat one of the sticks away. The others only giggled and continued poking him.   
Maia got bored of watching them, so she ran downstairs and came back up with a handful of little stones. She stood with Dagger and started to throw them at Sephiroth one by one. She giggled as Sephiroth muttered, "Go 'way, bitty-buggies."   
"I think I've disturbed his inner child!" Maia giggled and continued tossing stones at him. He eventually came awake, sitting up quickly as they hid their sticks. Zidane shoved his down his pants, Dagger tossed hers out the window and Kuja snapped his and flung it at Sephiroth and it hit Sephiroth in the head.   
"Ow! What the–?" He broke off as Maia hurled the rest of her stones at him and they hit him on the forehead. Sephiroth merely shook his head and rubbed it.   
"Whoa. I must've been on something funky! I can't remember a thing! Did I do anything to any of you?"   
"Not a thing..." they all told him, laughing. Sephiroth looked confused.   
"What did I do?"   
"Nothing!"   
"Fine, don't tell me!"   
Maia and Dagger edged closer to him and they both smiled winningly. "So, Sephiroth, been bothered lately by any bitty-buggies?" they said in unison, giggling. Sephiroth frowned.   
"Bitty-buggies? Why, I have no... no idea what..." He stopped and thought for a moment. "Bitty-buggies? I-– My bitty-buggies! I couldn't save them! They died in their jar!" He grabbed Dagger by the shoulders and began to shake her violently. "In the jar, I tell you! All my bitty-buggies! In the jar!"   
Zidane ran up, attempting to wrestle Sephiroth from Dagger. Zidane pulled the stick from his pants and wapped Sephiroth over the head with it really hard. Sephiroth dropped Dagger and held his head.   
"Whoa. Dude, what's going on?"   
"Nothing."   
"Well, okay, I guess I'll just have to believe you."   
Maia patted him on the head. "Of course you shall." 

------------------ 

They wandered around Maia and Lee's castle for a while, trying to figure out what to do. Absentmindedly, Maia put her hand in her pocket and she felt something in it.   
"Whoa. I never knew I had anything in my pocket, besides tissues," she remarked, pulling out the object. It was a small black book. On the front in tiny, loopy writing, it said, 

'My Biography.   
The Mage Behind the Morphine.   
By Dr. 666   
Forwarded by Steve Allen.' 

"Hey! It's about Dr. 666!" Maia shouted. All the others snarled.   
"You made us go on that adventure, for this, when you had it the whole time?!" Zidane and Dagger growled together.   
"In your POCKET?!" Kuja shrieked.   
"Yeah! Your pocket? For shame!" Sephiroth scolded.   
Maia shrugged. "We had an adventure? Where was I?" She thought for a moment. Pulling something out of her other pocket, she held it out. "Oh yeah! I was on my Vicks Inhaler ride!" 

Note: Maia has a cold. Plain and simple. ^_^ 

She held it out in a "commercial" fashion. "Vicks! It's good for you! Remember, children, only you can prevent forest fires!"   
The others stared at her. "What do forest fires have to do with Vicks?"   
"I don't know! Absolutely nothing!" She sniffed for a moment. "Hey! My cold's gone! Huzzah!" She shoved it back into her pocket. "Now where were we? You were angry at me?"   
"Oh yeah! Why you little–!" Zidane shouted, starting forward. Maia pulled out her computer and, in slow motion, I might add, with weird techno music and all, she pressed the buttons on the side, which popped the screen up.   
"Don't make me use Paintshop Pro 7.0!" she yelled in slow motion, typing in some buttons, in slow motion. Everything sped up again as some weird beam shot out of the computer and hit Zidane. Zidane went multicolored.   
"Arg! What's happened to me?!" he yelled, pulling out his clothes to look at the tie-dyed colors. Kuja looked appalled and shrank back, then dropped his hands and stood there, eyes half-closed in exasperation.   
"What an awful clash of colors..."   
"I used Paintshop Pro 7.0. Durr!" Maia shouted, beginning to laugh at the sight of Zidane. Zidane snarled.   
"It doesn't matter! Let's go everyone! We shall smite!"   
"Wha?" Maia asked. The others started forward and the surroundings began to bleed again. "Why are we going into a battle sequence? And better yet, why is everything bleeding?!"   
Reappearing in a 2D castle-like background, Maia on one side, Zidane, Dagger, Kuja and Sephiroth on the other, little bars appeared at their feet. And on Zidane's, it read, "Multi-colored Hippie Zidane."   
"Hey! What the?" Zidane remarked when he saw this.   
"It's your fault!" Maia shouted across to him. "Hey, wait a cotton-pickin' minute! Why am I the bad guy?!"   
"Because you are!" Zidane shouted. The others remained quiet.   
"Are you guys against me?" Maia asked. They remained quiet. Suddenly, Dagger turned to Zidane and shouted, "I'm evil!"   
The screen faded and when everything reappeared, Dagger was on the right with Maia. They faced the three guys, put one hand on their hip, and made a peace-sign with the other.   
"Girl power!" they cried in unison. The guys began to laugh.   
"Hahahahahahahaha! I think three strong guys can beat up two weak girls!"   
Maia and Dagger glared. 

Note: Notice how everything seems to be taking a sexist turn here? Meh. It's more fun that way! ^_^   
(Maia's note: We apologize if you are offended.) 

"Okay, let's fight!" Maia yelled. Zidane glared at her.   
"I can't fight my wife!"   
"You can, and will! Sorry Dagger," Maia said as a side note to Dagger, who only shrugged. Zidane began to wail.   
"I can't fight my wife!" he shouted at the top of his lungs. "I love her!" He stood there and howled, bawling his eyes out. "I give up!"   
"No! But I wanted to kick Sephiroth's butt!" As an after-thought, "And Kuja's!"   
"Why not Zidane's?" Sephiroth and Kuja asked, hurt.   
"Because he's my friend's husband!" She glared at Sephiroth and Kuja, who glared back. They got into a kind of staring/glaring contest as the battle ended and everything returned to normal.   
"Can *sniff* Can I be *sniff* normal Zidane a-a-a-again?" Zidane asked shakily, crying in-between. He still hadn't seemed to have gotten over the thought of fighting his wife.   
Maia reached into her pocket and handed a tissue to Zidane. "Here, have a hankey. All hail whoever invented the pocket packs of tissues! They're very helpful." 

Note: It's true! 

He quickly ruined one and Maia sighed and handed him the whole pack, plus another two packs.   
"Well, I could change you back... But you're so much more interesting this way!"   
Zidane only protested by wailing some more while going through another pack of tissues.   
"Oh, what the hey!" Maia remarked and opened her laptop. Typing in a few buttons, a beam shot out of the screen and hit Zidane and he became normal again. Zidane jumped to his feet, smiling.   
"Thanks!" he said cheerfully. Whistling, he put his arm around Dagger and they walked off.   
"He seems to have gotten over that very quickly," Sephiroth muttered. "How odd..."   
"Don't worry about it, Sephiroth," Kuja told him.   
"Can we go and save Cloud now?" Maia asked. Sephiroth smiled and nudged Kuja.   
"She wants to save him. How cute! Huh? Huh?"   
"Hey, dude, stop nudging me."   
Sephiroth kept nudging Kuja.   
"No, seriously, that hurts!"   
Sephiroth still nudged Kuja.   
"Okay, do you want to rescue Cloud as well?"   
Sephiroth stopped and backed away, his hands held up and he waved them back and forth. "No, no! I'm fine!"   
One of Maia's hands went to the hilt of her sword. "Diss me and you die."   
"I'm not dissing. You see, it's called a pun and–"   
"Why you little–!" Maia screamed and drew her sword, chasing after Sephiroth. She caught up to him and hit him over the head with the flat of her blade.   
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Don't be so touchy! "   
"Arg! You and your puns!" Maia shouted and hit him on the head with the flat of her blade again. 

------------------- 

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   
Cloud was racing as fast as he could through Nibelheim, trying to escape all of the "ex-whores" with their dozens upon dozens of photo albums of children named after alcohol. He had even heard that one of the children was named after every Canadians favorite beer logo. Baby I am Canadian! was it's name. He had heard of a couple Baby Rums and a couple Baby Whiskeys as well. It was now too much.   
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   
"Come back, suga'! We still have to show our wedding photos! You wouldn't believe the weddin' getup I was in!"   
One of them clotheslined him and as he lay on the floor, struggling to breathe, she jumped on top of him and tried to wrestle off his clothes.   
"No! No! I–I have five wives already!" He held up his right hand and showed her his ring finger, which had numerous gumball machine rings shoved on it. Many of the ex-hoes had already caught up to him.   
"Well, you can add another one!" she cried happily, jamming yet another plastic ring on his finger. Cloud screamed some more, then he heard a voice. A voice that, at the moment, sounded as though it had been brought from heaven.   
"Cloud! C'mon! We have to go!"   
It was Maia.   
Cloud shoved off the whore with a burst of energy and ran from the rest of them, towards Maia, Zidane, Dagger, Sephiroth and Kuja. Cloud jumped up into Maia's arms and she sighed for a moment, before struggling to carry him off. She finally sighed again and dropped him. He mumbled something and picked her up instead and carried her off.   
The ex-whores stood around, scratching their heads.   
"Now where'd that suga' dumplin' go?"   
"I dunno. Let's go and feed our children. They need some more crack. It sustains them well."   
"Yes, let's." 

Note: Children, despite what the whores say, drugs are no good. Don't do drugs! ^_^ As a matter of fact, don't listen to any of the characters in this fic! I've paid them to do all the crazy acts. None of them really do drugs or get hammered. And our whores, they aren't really hoes. They're just paid actors. Now that we've set that straight...   
Maia: Hey! I'm not an actor!   
Lee: Yeah, but I'm paying you!   
Maia: Ah, touché. What about yourself?   
Lee: I share with you.   
Maia: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
  
  



	6. Really dumb guys

Maia: We have returned! Ha! Only a bit of this left! *snickers evilly* Ah... torturing characters... 

-------------------------   
Back at the castle, whore free....   
------------------------- 

"Let's take a looksie at this book!" Maia exclaimed. They sat on the ground, Maia holding the book, the others gathered around her to read. They began to turn the pages, amazed at what they found. It was a very odd diary, about the coming of morphine, how it 'enriched' Dr. 666's life and how he used it on people, mainly pedestrians.   
As they sat there, Yuffie poked her head in and saw the group. "Someone I can sell to!"   
She rushed in and started waving around a flyer.   
"Heeey, everybody! Would you like to save some gil? Well then, try 1800-saveyergil! It's fun, easy and free! Simply call us and buy the program, then we'll hook you up! Then, after you're hooked up and want to call someone long distance, dial 1, then 9, then 64, then 1897685, then your number, then 9586475, to complete your call. You'll save a lot of gil!" she said in a business fashion, really quickly. She took a breath.   
"So, wanna buy our program?"   
Maia glanced up, sighed, then looked back down. "Sorry, Yuffie. We don't have the time."   
"I waste my breath, again and again and again! And still no sales! I seriously have to take up selling internet connection or something!" Yuffie cried, throwing her hands up in dismay and stalking off.   
The others returned to their book.   
Next, Mikoto came in, holding a bottle of scotch. She looked at them all, gathered around the book, immersed in thought, their eyes glazed over.   
"You guys look seriously stoned... You guys need booze!" She tossed some gil at them and left again, downing her scotch. Raucous singing could be heard from her.   
The others returned to their book.   
Everything came to a jarring halt as Zell ran in, gasping for air, a hot dog shoved in his mouth. Screaming could be heard from the hallways.   
"Dammit Zell! Anymore hotdogs and you're gonna burst! Come out here right now or I'll break your neck!"   
"I can't come out right now, Librarian Girl with the Funny Pigtails! I'm busy!" Zell yelled, leaning on the door to hold it shut.   
".... Are you eating hot dogs?"   
".................... no...." he squeaked.   
Pounding could be heard as she tried to break in the door. "Dammit Zell! I'm gonna rip your head off!" Splinters formed as she kept slamming into the door. Zell yelped and hid behind Sephiroth, he being the strongest and tallest of the people around the book. The Librarian Girl with the Funny Pigtails That Zell's in Love With rammed into the room, the door shattering. Sephiroth made no attempt to protect Zell and the Librarian Girl with the Funny Pigtails grabbed Zell by one of his ears and dragged him off.   
"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!"   
"Then don't eat hot dogs!"   
The others returned to their book.   
Hours later, they were still reading, but they didn't really seem to actually be reading. Their eyes were glazed over and they had stopped turning the pages hours ago. Sephiroth fell over eventually, hitting his head on an oddly placed coffee table.   
"Ow! Shiva, who placed that precariously-placed coffee table there!?" he cried, rubbing his head. The coffee table disappeared and Sephiroth shrugged for a moment, then poked Kuja.   
"Wake up, ya lazy bum!"   
Kuja fell over to the side, hitting his head on the coffee table that had oddly appeared beside him.   
"Ow! Shiva, who placed that precariously-placed coffee table there!?" he cried, rubbing his head. He groaned and turned to Cloud, slapping his over the head.   
"Open thine eyes!"   
Cloud fell forward and hit his head on the coffee table, which was now in front of him.   
"Ow! Shiva, who placed that precariously-placed coffee table there!?" he cried, rubbing his head. Cloud shrugged it off and turned and poked Dagger.   
"Up and at 'em!"   
She fell over to the side, the coffee table appearing where her head would land. She hit her head on it.   
"Ow! Shiva, who placed that precariously-placed coffee table there!?" she cried, rubbing her head. She turned to Zidane and poked him.   
"Honey, wake up!"   
He fell forward, hitting his head on the coffee table, which was suddenly in front of him.   
"Ow! Shiva, who placed that precariously-placed coffee table there!?" He poked Maia, who woke up without falling over, because she had better equilibrium. She blinked at him.   
"What?"   
"The coffee table hit us!" Sephiroth, Kuja, Cloud, Dagger and Zidane cried, pointing at it.   
"It hit you!?" Maia glanced over at it for a moment. "Ohhhhhh, that's one of our "for purposes only" items. It's there only for the purpose of being there, mostly to hurt somebody. It's also one of our unruly pets!" She glared at the coffee table and pointed to the door. "Go! Upstairs, where no one will trip over you!"   
The coffee table whimpered and shuffled away, making odd scraping sounds on the floor. Everyone sweatdropped.   
"Okay, now that that's settled, I think we may have at least a bit of a plan, or lead, or what ever you may call it. I need to check my links. You should always check links routinely." Maia pulled out her laptop and sat down, placing her laptop on her crossed-legs. "Whoo, problem easily found. The black-hole in closet three, corridor four, second floor, is malfunctioning. There's our problem and our answer. Let us move out."   
"Wha? When did we come to this decision?" Zidane asked.   
"Whatever. Let's go!"   
"I'm still confused about the links part..." Sephiroth murmured. Kuja patted him pityingly on the shoulder.   
"Don't worry! You'll understand it someday! Wait a second... What ARE links?" 

---------------------------   
Upstairs.....   
--------------------------- 

All of them gathered around the closet which would most likely lead them to Dr. 666's lair... or a dimension of no escape and no return, coupled with mindless torment...   
Anyways, Maia placed her hand in the black hole, groped around for a second, they all heard a "Hey!" and Maia pulled back a morphine needle.   
"Yeah, okay, we got the right place." She threw the needle point-first back into the black hole and they all heard a "Whee!", then some blissful singing.   
They all jumped into the black hole and reappeared in a stone castle-like place. A Terraian nurse was dancing around happily, flapping her hands, her eyes ^^-ing.   
"Now where?" Cloud asked, hovering protectively around Maia for no apparent reason. Maia smiled at him.   
"Let's go through"--she scanned the room--"that door." They all went through "that door" and started climbing the stairs. They were very long and twisty, as though they were going up a high tower. As they went, Zidane noticed a lever with a sign that said "SUPER FUN HAPPY SLIDE".   
"Hmmm.... Am I ever going to be here again? Nah. Hey, you only live once!" He yanked the lever down.   
A hole opened up behind them and the stairs all collapsed and everyone slid back and into the hole. They hung in mid-air for a moment, all glaring at Zidane, who was still hanging onto lever, with half-closed, exasperated eyes. All together, in a monotonous tone, they all said, "We hate you." Then they all fell, Maia screaming, "ZIIIIIIIIDDDDDDAAAAAAAANNNNNNNEEEEEEE!!!!!"   
Zidane watched, before shrugging and letting go of the lever. The hole closed up before he could jump into it.   
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! DAAAAAGGGGGEEEEERRRRR!!!!!!!!!!" 

------------------------   
Down the hole....   
------------------------ 

Everyone fell and fell and fell and fell and fell and fell and fell and fell...   
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH   
HHH*breath*HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH   
HHHHHHHHHHHH*breath*HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH   
HHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   
"Let's stagger our breathing, so it'll be continuous?" Maia asked. Everyone shook their heads and continued screaming.   
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH   
HHH*breath*HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH   
HHHHHHHHHHHH*breath*HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH   
HHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   
.... and fell and fell and fell and fell and fell and fell and fell and fell and fell and fell... And then they smashed into the floor. Surprisingly the only hurts they had were bruised heads....   
Dagger collapsed to her knees, crying. "Zid-d-d-d-dan-e-e-e-e..." she whimpered.   
"Oh my God, he's such an idiot..." Maia muttered. Sephiroth and Kuja looked at each other for a moment.   
"Wanna kill him?"   
"Okay."   
"Agreed."   
Cloud flocked around Maia, an anxious look on his face. "Are you okay, my lovely fighter girl?"   
"If that's a pick-up line, you have some serious work to do."   
"Okay, my lovely woman-warrior."   
"Uh.... I guess that's a... step... in the right direction..." 

-------------------------   
Back up to Mr. Stupid....   
------------------------- 

Zidane pulled a thread from his pants, a really long one, and tied it around his wrist. He tied the other around the lever and yanked it down. The hole opened and the stairs collapsed again. Zidane slid into the hole, the lever staying down because of the string. Hanging in the hole, he hung there for a while, then realized that he was in the hole. He snapped the thread and fell down the hole.   


--------------------------   
Others again...   
------------------------- 

They all stood, brushing themselves off. They were readying themselves to walk, then Maia stopped.   
"D'you hear screaming?"   
"No," Sephiroth replied.   
"Well, I hear screaming. No, really, I hear screaming."   
They all looked up and saw a small dot falling. As it came closer, Dagger cried out.   
"That's Zidane!!!!"   
"Wonderful. Mr. Stupid threw himself down as well," Maia said dryly. Dagger, who didn't seem to listen, ran forward and caught Zidane in her arms, swinging him around, then they both fell over. Dagger began to laugh happily.   
"Zidane! I thought we had lost you!"   
"You couldn't lose me! I'm like gum on the bottom of your shoe!"   
Everybody shuddered.   
"Well, let's remove any unpleasant thoughts of Zidane from our heads and continue on. We're on the final stretch of our journey guys!" Maia cried, cutting a heroic figure and pointing down the darkened hallway. "I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!"   
Sephiroth squinted and turned to Kuja. "She must have very good eye-sight."   
Kuja sweatdropped and they all continued on.   
Walking down the tunnel, Cloud flocked around Maia, Zidane and Dagger held hands and Kuja and Sephiroth glanced at each other.   
"We have no one," Sephiroth remarked. Kuja shrugged.   
"Fight you for Lee later?"   
"Ya, okay."   
"Agreed."   
"Maevee muh mishing King Stoopid!"   
They all stopped at the sound of the odd voice and stood there, eyebrows arched.   
"What the hell?" Sephiroth asked, breaking the silence. A little tye-dyed monster with tiny horns and demented eyes appeared in front of him.   
Weses sereres fores King Stoopid!" it cried, waving it's stubby arms and sticking out it's tongue. Sephiroth, looking repulsed, threw it away from him. The little tye-dyed thing landed on Zidane, sniffed him and started crying, "King Stoopid! King Stoopid!"   
"What the hell are you?" Zidane asked, poking the little tye-dyed monster.   
"Weses es stpidienites," it replied, it's words all slurred and horribly non-sensical.   
"You mean, Stupidienites?" Zidane asked, trying to make sense of the jibberish.   
"Yesh, yesh!" it cried, waving it's stubby arms. Zidane pushed it off of him and continued walking. Suddenly, hundreds of the little tye-dyed things swarmed out and all jumped on Zidane, some crying, "King Stoopid!" and others shouting, "Yesh, yesh!"   
"Help!!!" Zidane cried, trying to breathe under all the little tye-dyed Stupidienites. Dagger threw some off of him, digging into the pile. The ones thrown off simply wandered away, as though they had lost interest, or had just forgotten what they had been doing.   
"Kick 'em! They seem to have only a memory of a couple minutes!" Dagger shouted. The others stood there, unmoving.   
"Should we really help him?" Sephiroth asked.   
"Maybe it would be better just to let them carry him away," Maia remarked. Dagger looked up with tear-filled Bambi eyes at Maia, who sighed and said, "I am SO going to regret this..." Lunging forward, she kicked a couple of the tye-dyed monster things and started to haul handfuls of them off of Zidane. The rest lost interest and simply wandered away, then turned a different direction and went that way, losing interest in the direction they had been going.   
"Shiva, those things are dumb," Kuja murmured. Cloud was flocking around Maia again, checking her for bruises or broken nails. She shoved him away.   
"Cloud! I'm okay!!!"   
"I'm sorry, I just want to be absolutely sure!"   
"Well, I'm fine!"   
"Okay....."   
Zidane suddenly fell over, laughing stupidly.   
"Oh, God, he's joined the ranks....." Maia remarked.   
"No! He's just a little goofed up on morphine!"   
They all turned, there was a dramatic pause, then they gasped as they saw Lee, holding a morphine syringe, pushing the thing on the top of the needle, some of the morphine coming out of the needle. She laughed demonically and walked towards Maia.   
"Can I morphine you? Pleasssseeee?" she asked, standing in front of Maia.   
"No. I'm morphine proof, remember?"   
"Oh, yeah. Meh." She shrugged and turned to everyone else. "Anyone else up for a shot?!" she cried crazily.   
They all cried out and tried hiding behind each other, which ended up with them all falling over. Maia sighed and took out her large anime mallet.   
"Lee, you never learn!" She smashed Lee over the head.   
"..... Down I go......" Lee collapsed. Sephiroth glared at Kuja, who glared at Sephiroth. They stood there, glaring for a moment, then their eyes flicked to Lee and back to each other, then they lunged towards Lee, fighting to pick her up and "rescue" her.   
"She's mine!" Kuja cried.   
"No way! You're too girlie!" Sephiroth shouted, pushing Kuja aside and sweeping Lee from the ground and into his arms. Lee murmured sleepily and snuggled into Sephiroth. Sephiroth stuck his tongue out at Kuja, who glared and picked himself up, brushing himself off.   
"Okaaayy.... Now that that shameless display of major over-crush is over, let us move on!" Maia told them and began to walk. Sephiroth followed, carrying Lee, Kuja followed him, sulking, and Dagger came up after them, dragging Zidane by one of his feet, because he was still laughing too hysterically to stand up and walk in any direction. 

---------------------   
In Dr. 666's Lair.....   
--------------------- 

Dr. 666 watched a computer screen, which portrayed all of our heroes, plus an unconscious Lee, walking down the hallway.   
"They come nearer. Nurse, when shall they arrive?" he asked a Terraian nurse, who came to stand beside him. She glanced at the computer, then around her.   
"Well, judging by the fact that this is live, about half an hour."   
Suddenly, the door was kicked down and all of the heroes stormed in.   
"..."   
"Or since this is an old recording, they're here right now!" the nurse cried nervously, going into a bout of uncertain laughter. Dr. 666 glared at her.   
"... Why you little–!" the mage cried, pulling out his scalpel and chasing the nurse around as she shrieked. Maia clothes-lined Dr. 666 as he ran past and as he lay there, clutching at his throat, Maia drew her sword and pointed it at his nose.   
"Surrender or die."   
"Why do you want to hurt me anyway?" Dr. 666 asked quietly, his eyes filling with tears. Maia sighed.   
"Because we need experience points!"   
"What a reason..." Dr. 666 scoffed. Sephiroth and Kuja came forward, Lee in Sephiroth's arms.   
"We had a very good reason! To save Lee!" they cried in unison. Maia rolled her eyes. Kuja watched Dr. 666 uneasily.   
"Ah, yes, Kuja, I remember you..."   
Kuja's eyes widened and he took a step back, whimpering. Sephiroth glared at him.   
"Stick it up and be a man!"   
"Easy for you to say..." Kuja murmured.   
"Hey, it's boss battle time!" Maia cried, waving her absurdly large and long sword around. "We need to make a party of four! Since Zidane is on a high and Lee is unconscious, we only need to kick one more out."   
Dagger glared at Sephiroth, who glared back at Dagger. They stood there, glaring at each other for a while. Their eyes flicked to Maia, as a decision maker, but she only shook her head.   
"Nuh uh. I'm not deciding who sits out. Let's settle this like civilized people. Pick a number between one and ten. Cloud, pick a number, but don't tell them, okay?"   
"No problem."   
"Okay. Sephiroth, number between one and ten."   
"Seven."   
"And you Dagger?"   
"Three."   
"What's the number, Cloud?" Maia asked. Cloud glanced at her.   
"What number?"   
"ARG! Cloud! You were supposed to remember the number!"   
"Oh well. I've always liked the number five."   
Everyone glared at him. He backed away. "What?!"   
"Urg... Just do rock paper scissors," Maia said. Sephiroth and Dagger played rock, paper, scissors and Sephiroth won. Sephiroth stuck his tongue out at Dagger and Maia hit a couple buttons on her computer and Sephiroth, Lee and Zidane, who was still laughing hysterically, disappeared. Maia slowly packed up her computer, turned and pointed her sword at Dr. 666.   
"Let's rock."   


~~~ 

Maia: Well, that about wraps it up. Seeya in the next chapter!   



	7. Boss Battle!

Maia: Hey everyone! As my holiday gift to all of you, two, yes TWO, chapters of this fic which wrap it all up, and one chapter of 'One Week'. Have fun reading and have a great holiday, everyone!   


------------------------ 

Sephiroth, Lee and Zidane appeared in a little waiting room. It was a white, boring room with nothing in it. Sephiroth sat down cross-legged and waited for Lee to wake up, watching Zidane laugh on the ground, holding his stomach and rolling over and over. Sephiroth got bored of this after a while, no matter how hilarious this was. So he found a piece of paper and a pencil and drew. He drew little stick people holding swords. Arching an eyebrow, he ripped the paper in half and drew a stick person with a sword on each piece. Then he banged them together.   
"Have at thee!" he cried in a high voice.   
"Taste my papery steel!" he shouted in a lower voice.   
"Nay! Thou shalt taste MY papery steel!" he yelled in the first voice.   
He continued with this for a few hours. 

------------------------- 

The screen began to bleed and then everything went black for a second, before they appeared in a really funky battle arena. The sky was pink and lots of other colors swirled around in it. Some funny music started to play.   
"What the hell is that?" Maia asked. 

"Estuans interius   
Ira vehementi.   
Estuans interius   
Ira vehementi.   
Dr. Safer-666!   
Dr. Safer-666!" 

Cloud smiled. "It's called One Winged Angel. I wonder why it's playi–Aaw, hell...." Cloud stared as a Safer-Sephiroth version of Dr. 666 descended into the arena. In place of legs, he had long, white tentacles and instead of his left arm, there was a large morphine needle.   
"Mwahahaha... I am Dr. Safer-666! Fear me!"   
Everyone sweatdropped. Maia sighed. "Who in their right mind would donate their tongue to singing your song?! Try it at home kids! It's just not right!"   
Everyone glared up at the speakers. Cloud shook his head and powered up.   
"Omnislash!!!" he shouted, jumping up and hitting Dr. Safer-666 twenty, count 'em, twenty times, causing around 4000 damage with each hit. Dr. Safer-666 cried out and melted.   
"NOOOO!!!!"   
The screen swirled and they appeared in another place. Now, they were in space. Lots of stars littered the black sky.   
"What now?" Kuja asked. A second form of Dr. 666 appeared. This time, he took on the shape of an Ultemecia-like creature. His legs were gone and instead, there was a Scream guy in their place. (Scream as in the famous painting) His face was gone and in it's place there was simply a white void.   
"I am True Dr. 666. All existence shall be denied."   
"Dagger! I wanna try this new tech!" Maia cried. Dagger nodded and they lunged forward, crossing paths, making an X.   
"X-Strike!" they shouted. True Dr. 666 screamed and disappeared. The scenery changed again to a crazy blue place. Lots of moans rang through the air. Kuja shuddered.   
"I think I know what's coming...."   
Expecting the worst, say, Necron, they were a little surprised when a normal Dr. 666 ran in, wearing a hockey mask.   
"What's with that?" Cloud asked. "He's just normal."   
"That's what you think!" Dr. 666 cried, He pulled the hockey mask down over his face and took out an absurdly large chainsaw and instead of the nooks of the chainsaw blade, there were morphine needles. It was a morphine saw!   
Dr. 666 revved it up and started forward. "Who wants a couple hundred shots?!?!?!?" he screamed crazily. Everyone looked at each other, then back at Dr. 666, then they screamed and turned to run. They found they couldn't really run, they only dashed on the spot. A message box appeared above their heads. 

CANNOT RUN AWAY 

They turned back around and Kuja took out his summon crystal and summoned Bahamut.   
"Bahamut! I call upon you to smite my enemies!" He and the others disappeared. Dr. 666 began to laugh.   
"Hahahaha!!! What good do you think your puny dragon can do to me?!"   
Bahamut flew down and blew a large hole in the ground, blowing up Hockey Morphine-Saw Dr. 666 along with it.   
They came out of the disappearance thing and watched as the scenery changed once again around them. This time, they were in a black arena, but in the background, little Dr. 666s ran around. Kuja cried out and dashed to a corner, huddled his knees to him and rocked back and forth.   
"Can't sleep, mage will morphine. Can't sleep, mage will morphine. Can't sleep, mage will morphine," he chanted over and over, psychotically. Dagger kneeled beside him.   
"Are you okay?"   
"NOOO!!" Kuja wailed. 

--------------------------   
Flashback to Kuja's childhood...   
-------------------------- 

"Kuja!!! Time for a checkup!!!"   
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!"   
Little child Kuja was puddling as quick as he could through the streets, trying to escape Dr. 666, who was there for Kuja's yearly medical checkup. Dr. 666 pinned Kuja on the ground, taking out a large contraption with lots of little saws and things that could harm.   
"Don't worry, you won't feel a thing!" he cried, pressing a button, which made all the saws and things spin and chop violently. Kuja began to scream. "'Til I jam this down your throat!"   
Kuja screamed again. 

-----------------------------   
Even younger childhood of Kuja's.......   
----------------------------- 

Kuja stared at the bed his mom had made for him. His mom was good at cooking, but obviously not at carpentry. The bed, made to look like a cute little black mage with large Bambi eyes, looked mutated and evil. Kuja shivered.   
"Now, I know you like black mages, Kuja, so I made you this bed!" his mom cried proudly, patting him on the head. "Enjoy!" She left the room.   
Kuja watched the bed, his imagination running wild. The bed had begun to talk to him.   
"If you should die before you wake....!" It's eyes opened wide and it laughed hysterically and evilly. "Huahahahahahahahaha....!" 

-------------------------   
Cut to the present...   
------------------------- 

"Can't sleep, mage will morphine. Can't sleep, mage will morphine. Can't sleep, mage will morphine."   
"Are you going to be of any use to us?!" Maia cried.   
"I don't think so!" Kuja wailed and shivered, burying his head on his knees. Maia sighed.   
"I guess you won't." She turned around and faced Dr. 666, who had walked in. He was a lot taller and looked more like a human.   
"He looks like the last Sephiroth I faced..." Cloud muttered.   
Dr. 666 did indeed look like a human man with his shirt off. Maia sighed.   
"I hate it when people try to show off..." Shaking her head, she halted for a moment, then quickly moved into a fighter's stance, brandishing her sword. "C'mon, guys! We have to do this together!"   
"Omnislash!"   
"Eidolon!"   
"Shadow Dance!"   
"Combine!" they yelled in unison. Dashing towards Dr. 666, they each did their attacks, which combined and made one majorly cool attack.   
It didn't finish him. Then, amazingly, they heard behind them, "Summon! Bahamut!"   
"Kuja!"   
Kuja made a heroic figure, standing there, brandishing his summon crystal. Bahamut flew down and took a deep breath, preparing to blow fire at Dr. 666. Maia and the others realized that they weren't going to disappear for some reason.   
"Oh, my God! Oh, my God!" Maia screamed. "Jump! Duck! Anything!! Just get out of the way!!!!!" They all hurled themselves to one side as a beam of fire and energy shot at Dr. 666, dissolving him. He screamed out and began to melt away, piece... by... piece... 

-------------------- 

"Have at thee!!"   
"Taste my papery steel!"   
Lee had awoken and she and Sephiroth were bashing the little paper stick men with swords together, "fighting" with them. Zidane might have been laughing at them, but it was unlikely. He still rolled on the ground, giggling hysterically.   
Sephiroth stopped for a moment.   
"Is he going to be okay? I mean, at first I thought it was funny, but, watching him laughing, still, after about four hours, it's really creepy. It's like he isn't breathing. He just kind of... laughs..."   
"Ah, he'll be fi–" She cut off as Kuja, Maia, Dagger and Cloud appeared.   
"We did it!" Dagger cried, running to Zidane, obviously to hug him, but stopping when she realized that he was still on a high.   
"Arg!" Maia cried, walking over and kicking Zidane. "Recover, damn you!"   
"He'll be better soon!" Lee told them. "Give him a couple more minutes, I'd say, and he'll be fine! I didn't give him that big of a shot!"   
Maia glared at her. "How would you know?! You suck at math!!!"   
"Hey, don't rub it in my face! Besides... I know..."   
"I never trust your judgment," Maia muttered.   
They sat down and watched, silently, as Zidane kept laughing and laughing. Lee finally sighed after about an hour. "Meh. I'll just balance it out with a bottle of sleeping pills!" She reached into her pocket and pulled out a little bottle and dumped the contents down Zidane's throat. "There you go!"   
Zidane fell asleep for a moment, then bounced awake, then fell asleep again, then jumped awake once again. He kept doing this. Lee backed away, rubbing the back of her neck nervously.   
"I guess it didn't balance it out! It only made him worse!" she cried ditzily as Zidane fell asleep again, then leaped up, ran into a wall and fell back asleep.   
"ARG!" Maia cried. Rubbing her temples for a moment, she then took out her mallet, snarling. "Only simple way to settle this!" She wapped him over the head a couple of times. He fell truly asleep. "That's better." She sat down and pulled out her computer. "Time to leave here. Let's go back to our castle."   
Typing in some buttons, a large porthole appeared. They all jumped in and Dagger reached back out and grabbed Zidane, dragging him through. 

---------------------- 

And so most things came to a happy ending. Except...   
Dr. 666, who, coincidentally, was still alive, sat in the Lifestream, wailing.   
"I need more morphine!!!!! More morphine!!! Maia cut off my supply!! ARG!!!! I shall come back!!!!! Back, I say!!!!!!! Ahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah–Ow, I bit my tongue!" 

The End   
  


Maia: Thanks for reading, everyone! Go read the aftermath!   



	8. Aftermath

**Aftermath**   
What happened to all of our heroes... and affiliates: 

Zidane: Brought one of the Stupidienites home and tamed it. It now can speak in coherent sentences. We think...   
Stupidienite: King Stoopid! Me's bowses down fo' yous!   
Zidane: Stop calling me that!!!   
Dagger: Seems our anger management courses worked a little... too... well.... She's way too damn happy! >.   
Sephiroth: Got his hair cut... SHORT!!! (Lee: Gasp and horror! NOOO!!! The sin of it all!!! :(   
*Maia hides scissors behind her back.* It was me, me, me, me, me... *giggles maniacally* *runs and hides, still giggling, from Sephy fangirls, including Lee*)   
Kuja: Goes home to find that his mother had crafted him another evil-looking black mage bed. Screamed and ran from his house. Hasn't been seen since. O_O   
Cloud: Kept stalking/protecting Maia. >_   
Locke: Woke up, screamed at Edgar (again), then fell back asleep.   
Edgar: Ran from a rabid Locke (armed with a spoon), because he tried to say hi to Celes. Then Locke picked up a fork and Edgar began to run really fast.   
Sabin: One verse:   
"When kingship's got you down   
Just don't mope and frown   
Something, something   
Then you'll see   
You'll avoid catastrophe 

.......... Dangit!!!"   
Terra: Is really tired because she had to wrestle the fork and spoon from Locke.   
Celes: Is slightly scared because Locke is so very protective.   
Mikoto: Um... She'll get back to you when she can walk in a straight line. >_   
Yuffie: Went on a Save-Yer-Gil commercial and ended up doing really bad acting and lost the company a couple million gil. She then suffered a heart attack and is now in the hospital.   
Zell: Ate so may hot dogs he almost exploded. He went to the hospital, where he met Yuffie. They had nice conversations. ^_^   
Librarian Girl with Funny Pigtails that Zell's in Love with: Charged into the hospital and strangled Zell, right in the middle of one of Zell's and Yuffie's conversations.   
Headmaster Cid: Continued to watch his inferior Sunday morning cartoons. (Cid: "Go Powerpuff girls!!!! ^______^")   
Pacman: Deceased.   
Cookie Captain: Protected his maze forever more. Was later killed in a war between his "dot troops" and the Pacman Ghosts that the Authors Forgot the Names of.   
Ms. Pacman: She sits by Pacman's grave (there are many others, but she doesn't know that...) day and night. Is sometimes seen in the graveyard beating up punks who venture too close.   
All of the Pacman Ghosts that the Authors Forgot the Names of: Went on with their meaningless lives of slowly floating around their maze. Now you know why they get so worked up over "visitors".   
The Almighty Holy Dot: Went back to "that hell-hole". Was never seen again.   
The Ex-Whore with Baby Bud(wiser): She was recently seen on an episode of Maury entitled "Which of These Ten Men Fathered my Child?". This issue was never resolved. Baby Bud now has some terrible psychological issues.   
The Rest of the Ex-Whores: Went on with their meaningless lives. A couple of them are still standing around, looking for Cloud, simply because their educations are that of kindergarten dropouts.   
The Book-Shelf Elf: Plain and simple... "I am not here. I am the wall. I am the wall. I am the wall."   
The Attorney Guys: Were recently in a law suit concerning the difference between Pepsi and Coke. They refused to answer any questions but many were seen later having a brawl over the issue.   
The Stupidienites: Um.. They all kind of... stumble around aimlessly and bash into each other, forget what they're doing, then wander some more.   
Reporter and his Worker Guys: Are still running, terrified of the presence of the Deleter, today.   
The First Nurse of Dr. 666: Quit her job after the threats from Dr. 666 and is now residing in sunny Florida.   
The Stupid Nurse who Didn't Know Whether the Tape was Live or Recorded: Was fired and she lives now in sunny Florida. *points up* Are these two the same? You'll never know......... ^_^   
"Another Guy" in Nibelheim: He's simply.... another guy.... ^_~   
Bitty Buggies: Deceased.   
Precariously Placed Coffee Table: It is constantly precariously placed and Maia has now padded the edges and corners, to halt all of the accidents that happen.   
Kuja's Carpentry-Lacking Skilled Mom: Went on to build beds for thousands of children, who never slept again... Many of them now have highly-skilled psychiatrists.   
Squall: Became a rich tycoon and runs Balamb Garden...   
Rinoa: ...with her by his side.   
Amarant: Is in a coma. Maia hit him too hard.   
Eiko: Is still with the kid assassins, but is slightly more messed up than usual. Maia hit her too hard.(See 'Miracle Medicine')   
Quistis: Still gives boring tutorials. Nobody seems to acknowledge her existence anymore. She is simply the wind or the smoke to everybody.   
Vincent: Went back to sleeping, announcing that he was tired of existing in the outside world. We'll drag him out in about a month. ^_^   
Dr. Kadowaki: Sits, frightened and huddled in a corner, afraid of being assassinated by Zidane.   


**Note:** Yes, we turned Sephiroth into a punk/moron, Kuja into a prissy girl, Yuffie into a power saleswoman, Mikoto into a booze hound and Cloud into one of those injured lover/stalker people. Don't blame us, it's just how it turned out. Yes, we also made Sephiroth, Kuja and Cloud oddly girlie. Check out the hair conversation in the Pacman maze. *shrugs* Don't ask us, that's just how it turned out.   
  


Maia: So that's it.   
Lee: Possibly...   
Maia: Does this need a sequel?   
Lee: Possibly...   
Maia: Will you stop saying that?!   
Lee: Possibly...   
Maia: Arg. *runs off to her computer* I'm going to get started on the next one! Did you listen to any of the words that I just said?   
Lee: Possibly...   
Maia: *comes back and snatches the tape recorder from Lee* Ha ha!   
Lee: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
Maia: That was my idea, idiot!   
Lee: Possibly...   
  


Dr. 666: "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I HAAAAAAATTTTTTTEEEEEE THEM ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!" *pounds his fists on the ground in a temper tantrum. Then, stops and looks up with an evil grin.* "Mwa ha ha ha ha ha... AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA*breath*HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA*breath*HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA–Ow! I bit my tongue again! ;_;"   
  


Maia: Thanks for reading, everyone! Have a great holiday!   
  



End file.
